Day 131: Building My Foundation

Today, I want to take a moment to reflect on the positives, even when my mind tends to wander elsewhere. I’m not down and out. I don’t spend my days sulking or stuck in bed. No, I’m building.

I’m building a foundation of love for myself, a foundation of knowledge, a foundation I can be proud of. It’s something I’ve been telling myself consistently because I know it’s true, even on the hard days. Today, I spent time helping a friend with a job. It was good—it got me out, kept me moving, and gave my mind something productive to focus on.

But here’s the thing: between the cracks of my busy day, my mind doesn’t stop. It never stops. There’s no peace, not yet. I tell my therapist (my friend on the couch) that I’m trying to let go, and I want to believe I am. But the truth? I don’t know if I can truly convince myself. I’m not sure I can accept that ‘Hope’ and I aren’t meant to be.

I try to avoid words like ever or never because I want to leave the door open—not just for her, but for myself. For the possibility that someone else out there could help me feel this way again. But here’s the problem: I don’t think I can. I don’t even fully understand what I’m feeling now, let alone how I’d ever replicate it. It’s a constant battle, one that makes me feel like my mind has been hijacked.

That said, there’s progress. I’m not drinking. That alone makes an incredible difference in how I handle this inner storm. I stay active. I keep working on myself. I’m trying to believe there is life after ‘Hope.’ But deep down, I still believe in us, and that belief keeps me going.

Love always wins, right? That’s what I try to hold onto. But I’m also learning not to hold my breath. I’m learning to find balance between hope and reality. For now, I’ll keep building this foundation, one step at a time.

Day 131

One Step. One Punch. One Round. 🌹

—Your Fellow Traveler