Day 114 – Love and Resilience

Day 114

One Step. One Punch. One Round. 🥀

I’m staring down this loop again, half-determined it’ll never end and half-wishing I could just see you on the other side of all this. The mind can be a brutal place when it’s locked onto hope—when every step forward somehow traces back to a single moment, a single person.

I keep telling myself I’m fighting for me. Every climb up the mountain, every day of fasting, every time I turn away from a drink—it’s for my growth. But the truth is, I still feel you in every breath. You became my lighthouse when I was adrift, and even now, I keep returning to that beacon, hoping for something more.

I recovered my notes, emails, and texts from the RV. Each word feels like a time capsule, a glimpse into the days I spent lost and searching. Back then, I thought if I climbed enough mountains or pushed my body hard enough, I could fix what was broken inside.

But everything I did—every single step—led back to you. You weren’t just a person to me. You were my lifeline. And I held onto you, unfairly and desperately, because you made me want to be better. You didn’t even have to say it; the sight of you was enough to make me confront my addictions and expectations of myself.

The world calls it trauma bonding. They tell me to let go. But how do you let go of the one thing that made you believe in something better?

There’s a voice inside telling me to quit, to accept I’ve ruined everything and move on. But there’s another voice, stronger and louder, that tells me to keep climbing, to keep fighting—not just for you, but for me.

I don’t know if this ends in heartbreak or if it leads me back to you. But for now, I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because love—no matter how much it haunts you—can still be stronger than pain.

Here’s to Day 114—one more day I choose not to give up on myself.

Day 114

One Step. One Punch. One Round. 🥀

—Your Fellow Traveler